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Well interesting turn of events tonight....

I finally broke down and had a deep discussion with my mom about how I feel. About my marriage and how my husband treats me and why I won't leave. She understands wholey. She's seen it longer than I have. I just had to get a clear head to see how actually unhealthy my relationship with my husband is. He treats me like property not a wife. I can't cut a single hair on my head without his permission. Can't get piercings, tattoos, modify MY body whatsoever unless he approves. We get into an argument about my body and his words are "pink slip" talking about our marriage license..... EXCUSE ME?! I am NOT a fucken vehicle....

Then I explained how I know that if I leave I loose my youngest son and that makes me feel trapped.

So move forward like 4 hours. I'm on my way to take my husband to work because his ride got repoed. Mind you I am working on no sleep. When we leave my mom brings up the whole property thing to her husband..... and he SIDES WITH MY HUSBAND! That once we got married that made US THEIR PROPERTY! WTAF! So now we are sitting here fuming cooking up cimminon rolls and trying to stay awake.

Any opinions or suggestions WOULD BE AWESOME! Because honestly.... I spoke to a dear friend of mine who is like the ONLY guy I can see right now friends wise and he told me that if shit keeps up the way they are my marriage won't last. I mean for christ sakes OTHER than the friends I have on here and FB, I have TWO actually friends whom I can speak to. One is like a brother and the other one my husband is throwing hissy fits about me seeing for 2 minutes FOR A FUCKEN HUG AFTER NOT SEEING HIM FOR 10 DAMN YEARS! I'm clearly fed up and done. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss having a life. I miss feeling like my own person.

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Veil
00:01 Oct 26 2017

( I am lana leveling profile for cate my response to this is just leave find a way to make part time with your;e son I have a Bf who is the same dammed way to me can't do anything and if I do I get yelled at, I have a bed time, too btw is 10 30 no later I can not talk with my friend's without him getting pissy on me, well He talks to his co workers, like friends all day. I do not understand over controlling men Never have he won't leave I have asked him to leave several times, I don;t know what to do, actually in away I am trapped like you, so I feel the pain sweety. Even though I do not have a child with him than god mines 24 and grown,.

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ShipWreck
05:30 Oct 26 2017

I have seen many women go through this and I have heard how they dealt with it. Do not stay in a relationship that is intoxicating and destroys who you are. Women are NEVER property even in marriage. You have a right to be your own person. Stand for it. Also keep in mind the relationship youre raising your kids on. Toxic relationships only leads young children to being ass holes as they get older. Why waste one more minute with someone who treats you so horribly? You and any women here needs a healthy relationship for them. No matter what stands in the way. I understand children being at stake here but you are not trapt. You can go to the court house and subpoena him for shared custody and visitation rights. Not to mention child support. No man should rip a son/daughter away from their mother and fathers. Its times likes these where it can not be helped. Go do what you were made to do and stand for it you dont need anyones permission to do what you want to do. Way I see it is its your body you have the right to a choice of what you want to do with it. Not only that but if you dont let him control you he will try to destroy you don't let him do either of these things. Be rebellious and stand on your own two feet. Fight for yourself and your kids.

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MordrakusxMortalitas
13:53 Oct 26 2017

Remember what I said before? That you should just leave, because in the long run your son will be affected no matter what, because if you stay in a horrible and loveless marriage, the child will pick up on it and be affected by that atmosphere. And kids then grow up to be troubled and have problems because of an unstable childhood.

You need to take your son and leave ASAP, get a divorce etc. It is not going to be easy but nothing worth doing always is. You can also fight to get your son back if you lose him.

You need to be in a better situation, both mentally, physically and environmentally to be able to function well and be able to provide the best for your children. The situation you are in now is draining you mentally and physically, worse case scenario you may end up feeling suicidal and that won't be good for your children.

Take control of your life Edge, overcome your fear and escape from that situation, if not for you then for your son.

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At the age of 7 I was raped by another female, nothing happened to her. At the age of 9 my grandmother who was my world passed away due to a heart attack. I never got to say goodbye. At the age of 12 my mom and dad divorced. That same year I was introduced to meth. I thought I had found a family with the metro center crew. But that turned to be a lie. That was were I was raped for the first time by my ex. Then I met the father of my oldest son who abused me not just physically but also emotionally and mentally. For two years I went through that hell. Then I met this guy named Spaz. He was perfect at first, but then everything went to hell. Stupid me got with a skin. He treated me like shit! Then he goes to prison and everything seems to be ok. That's when I met the father of my youngest son. In that time I had been raped yet again by someone who should have been my friend. For three years I delt with physical, emotional, and mental abuse yet again with my youngest son's father. But this one went farther. I cut, I screamed, I even abandoned my son cus I didn't know how to get out. My life was spiraling out of control. A high school drop out of 7 times. Never gonna make it. I've been around cocaine and speed got arrested for check fraud and almost sent away for 6 years. I've been living off and on the streets for the past 8 years of my life. My entire family but my dad has turned their backs on me. I've been called a whore, a cunt, dirty, any and every name you can think of. I've been put as an outcast in a group that's supposed to be my street family. The only true family I found is the homeless guys at the park. I've been diagnosed with chronic bronchitis, COPD, exema, mersa, back problems,and some shit that not need be said. Come to find out my most reasent papsmear came back abnormal off the charts. Could it be cancer? Won't find out till September 8th. In the past 5 years I've had 3 homies pass, two were my best friends, 1 soon to be sister in law, and a nephew pass away. Believe me it killed me to be 8 months pregnant and find out that one of my best friends was killed protecting a female and not being able to do anything about the guilt you feel, cus your the one who brought him back to this hell whole of a fucken town. My nephew was only 3 months old when he died 2 days before Christmas. seeing his cold dead body in the arms of someone you saw as a mom. Seeing your sister crying cus she looses her first born son. Hearing the screams from your mother when your brother tells her that his girlfriend and her mother were just killed in a car crash. Seeing the crash on the news and being able to see them pulling the limp body of your brothers girlfriend out of the car.

Top it off dealing in the past two days I've had a good friend of mine get raped by someone we all new to be sweet and then last night sitting in the hospital as someone I see as my sister cries cus she looses yet again another child. Being there when the miscarriage occured, the fifth child she looses and seeing the tiny infant floating in the toilet.

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Veil
00:02 Oct 26 2017

So sorry you went through this ( lana )

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Please read and comment if you think it was to harsh or not harsh enough. and if all your gonna do is bash me? take that shit somewhere else because I DO NOT CARE!



Ricky-
Hey..... i know i am probably the last person you expected to hear from. i hope you read this letter in its entirety. Please.

Lets just jump right in to why i am writing you. I need to thank you. thank you for showing me that i am worth mroe than what you put me through. thank you for showing me that i desrved better. and thank you most of all for showing me that i was not gonna be able to keep true happiness with you. a part of me will always care. a part of e will always love you but i am no longer in love with you. yes i long for a friendship with you and maybe one day it wil happen but for now it can't. and for that i am sorry. you have alot of growing up to do first.

sorry my hand writing is sloppy i have tendinitis in both wrists. i am constantly in pain all over. overall my health is going to shit. my eczema is at its worst point and in february im being texted for colon cancer. see how easy it is for me to talk to you? its always been that way.

everyday i wish i could know why threw everything away. but i guess i'll never know. you DESTROYED me that night. i have not been the same and i doubt i ever will be. i miss you everyday and still dream about you. its gotten so bad my husband thinks im still in love with you. but i am not. 6 years ricky. we had 6 good years and i will cherish the good times for the rest of my life and i am learning to forgive and forget the bad. but know you ruined my trust in men. you ruined who i was. i am balling my eyes out while writing this. i miss you so much but i must move on. i havea great life. i have a husband who truly treats me like a queen and 3 amazing sons. but until i let you go in my mind and in my heart i will never truly be happy with them. i just want to be happy again. the night you FORCED (which you did dont deny it) me to sleep with you, you took a piece of me with you and you will have it with you till youre in your grave. do you truly regret that night? do you truly miss me? or is it just because your lonely?

I am sorry if i a upsetting you or hurting you that was not y intenetion. i just want to know WHY!? i gave you everything and stood by your side even when you were doing that shit. even after you threatened me time and time again i stood by your side because thats what you do for some one you LOVE! or did you forget that? now my anger is coming out. I AM SO MAD AT YOU RICKY! even 4 years later i am still mad. i am mad that the meth was more important than family and true love. because that is what i had for you Richard. I truly whole heartedly loved you and only recently was i able to let that go. i need to make this life taht i have work. i need to realize the past is the past and that it needs to stay there. will specific songs effect me when i hear them? yes always and forever. but it is what it is. there are two songs taht effect me really bad when i hear them. End of me by a day to remember and snuff by slipknot. listen and you will understand.

but.... my husband shouldn't have to pay for what you did but he does every damn day. wow page 4 already and i could keep going but i need to stop. forever our memories will haunt me but i am refusing from this point forward to let them effect me. This is my good bye for now. Remember i will always care.

- krystal

so ..... everyone here knows i do NOT follow the christian beliefs even though my husband does. Well this last weekend we went out of town to visit his mother and he dropped a damn BOMBSHELL on me. He says he wants to renew our vows next year which I am cool with... but then he says he wants to change our marraige liscense from a regular one to a COVENANT! I wont. I refuse and he knew this from the get go that I WOULD NEVER GET A COVENANT MARRAIGE. He already treats me like some piece of property and that will make it ALL the more worse. You CAN NOT leave a covenant unless your spouse has had an affaire. Even when they die you are still bound by the marriage license. I AM NOT OK WITH THAT! Ugh! And he's only doing this crap because my old friend who is a guy got out of prison this last month and he feels threatenedd by him which he shouldn't. FUCK!

Sorry that I had to delete all my journal writings in here under personal but my nosey ex found the site and was reading them to my brother who is in contact with my husband so that caused MANY MANY problems. It's all good. I could care less. This is my place to vent. My place to be ME! If I can't be me here where can I be me right?

These last six months have been hard. I haven't had much time to be on here because well I have been dealing with a thing called LIFE! I am back living with my mother and her husband and the only upside to that other than free Hi speed WIFI is I get to hang out with my oldest son EVERYDAY! Even when he drives me crazy lol. Every other weekend I get to go out of town because now my mother in law lives out of town . . . . but this last time was the hardest. I didn't want to go and couldn't wait to get back. Even though I was only gone 24 hours. The one day my friend whom I've longed to hang out with had nothing to do the ONE day I was gone -_- soooooooo not fair.

But on a lighter note. I heard the new APC song called The Doomed. . . . and might I say its epic. Tell me your thoughts on it please?

After 10 years you found me.... And now I can't get you out of my head. Its annoying but to be expected. Now i long to hang out and hear your voice. Feel your calming hugs.... But things are hard. Man I wish you hadn't lost ten years... So much has happened and there were so many times when I just needed to hear your voice or get a hug but I couldn't get to you behind bars. I hope I never have to go through that feeling of loneliness again. You saved me from going away and a dark path. I owe you so much and you don't even know. Please don't make me go through that again.

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LostDutchmen
02:31 Oct 23 2017

I will not put you or myself through that again.Because the feeling and feelings are 100 percent and absolutely mutual.I will not leave you again or lose time with you again.I will always be there for you no matter what.

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ShipWreck
03:12 Oct 23 2017

Things that happened in the past can be made up by present and future actions. The only thing both of you can do now is move forward in life and accept and appreciate things for what they are as they come. Its hard I realize that but it never hurts to try.

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StraightxEdge
18:16 Jul 05 2018

And yet here we are. Its been what 6 months since I heard from you. Probably on that dope pipe again and thats why you disapeared. Fucken A. I can't seem to keep any friends anymore.

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